Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I saw the most abhorrent thing at the theatre yesterday

Well, not really, but it was pretty bad. I'm sitting in my local, crappy second-run theatre, getting myself ready to watch Grizzly Man, when up jumps a Jaguar commercial. Now, please, the whole bitching about commercials preceding a movie is tired. Just like the gas-price hike: we fought, we fought, we failed. Or maybe big business just screwed us over. Whatever - that's not the point. The point is this Jaguar commerical started playing. Usually I'm over this type of thing, but this commerical was the most ridiculous type of vapid, facadical (yeah, sure it's a word) dreck I have seen in a good long while. In case you haven't seen it - thereby being lucky - I'll outline it for a you.

A man with a stuffy British accent (nothing against the Brits - Bangers & Mash, God Save the Queen, Call Scotland Yard!, Bloody Awful Weather, &c.) details the meaning of the word gorgeous while a backdrop of beautiful cars, women, and jewelry plays on the screen. Now, not to sound like a prick, but I don't need some Union Jack explaining to me the meaning of gorgeous, my American Professors are doing a fine enough job, thank you very much. But - BUT! - far worse than this lame-ass pedagogy is what this fine automobile manufacturing company tries to pass off as gorgeous. Air-brushed bodies, unattainable vehicles, a slow-motion nightlife where everyone's make-up and dress stay in place in spite of the bottomless Cosmo loyally beside? And then phrases like (very much "like," in fact - I didn't write these buggers down), "Gorgeous looks gorgeous after waking up from a night of absolutely retarded, farcical partying" (Editorial liberty taken, of course.) Basically the message is thus: if you want to be gorgeous, you must look exactly like we do, drive the cars we do, and spend exorbitant amounts of money in the ways that we do. Granted, this isn't a very original bitching job either, but it's still something worth bitching about. In our days of celebrities who are celebrities for the plain fact that they're already famous (huh?), it seems more appropriate than ever that we maintain some semblance of, I don't know, anti-asininity. Thankfully, there was a collective laugh and boo from the commercial viewing audience, so at least we got that going for us.


Blogger Gator said...

Well it isn't the Grizzly Man review promised, but watching you invent words, spew invective, and use your damnable abbreviation of a perfectly abbreviaton (which I guarantee stops every reader in her tracks for at least 1.5 seconds; is that what you want? IS IT?!), isn't without appeal.

P.S. Oh gracious, you've got moderation turned on ... isn't requiring a blogger account enough? I mean, I may as well just send you an e-mail for all the effort on both our parts here. Your ardently hard-to-please film crit buddy ....

23 November, 2005 18:18  
Blogger Michael K. said...

Yeah, sorry 'bout the moderation - I've been onslaughted w/ a pretty good run of really really naughty porn.

Re: damnable abbreviation. I was buying your anti-&c. diatribe for a bit, thinking it might be a little too obscure. But, ugh, turns out anyone who has read Treasure Island, Robinson Crusoe, Gulliver's Travels, or pretty much anything written before 1910 has had an encounter with the blasted thing. I imagine 90% of the readers out this way have read either one of those books, or some other work to that extent. Now, you may have not read any of those books, but you do - on account of little thing here - know what to make of &c. So that takes care of, what, 97% of my reading public? My suggestion to everyone else, i.e. those still perplexed: look up shit you don't know.

25 November, 2005 00:17  
Blogger Gator said...

Yeah, and the sometimes-read Bill Shakespeare wrote in iambic pentameter. Still doesn't make that a good stylistic choice for a modern audience.

Sure, everyone'll eventually get your antiquated abbreviation, but that doesn't make it any less of a self-conscious attention-grabber. Different for different's sake. Why force this &c+./ shit to distinguish yourself when your writing is doing a better job for you?

/--// sigh //--/

27 November, 2005 21:40  
Blogger Matt said...

Here in Britain they have so many bloody ads before their movies, it's effin out of control. You get a solid 25 mins of commercials (which are actually quite entertaining, surprisingly) and then you get another 25 mins of previews, no joke. I went to see the all out brawl that is Green Street and first was forced to sit through that rubbish. Bollocks!

28 November, 2005 00:57  
Anonymous David said...

God, I wanna be British and drive a Jaguar--but still be anti-asinine.

Pretty cool site, Michael K.

24 January, 2006 21:24  
Blogger Maya said...

...y'know, "they" are always complaining about folks not going to the moviehouses anymore and preferring their home entertainment systems, and now with Tivo being able to block out the commercials, well, they have to market somewhere I guess. I think that's why PFA is one of my favorite venues because I don't have even have to worry about any of that crap....

08 March, 2006 22:43  
Blogger Gator said...

Ha ... don't ask me how I found your site on a Google search for Jaguar's latest commercial, but as long as I'm here, a quick fact-check: that voice didn't belong to a Limey. It's Willem Dafoe.

I expect a retraction.

07 April, 2006 23:22  
Blogger Gator said...

Ha ... don't ask me how I found your site on a Google search for Jaguar's latest commercial, but as long as I'm here, a quick fact-check: that voice didn't belong to a Limey. It's Willem Dafoe.

I expect a retraction.

07 April, 2006 23:22  
Blogger Michael K. said...

Didn't know Defoe could be such a pompous asshole. I guess I will retract all the lovely things I've said about him. Natch.

08 April, 2006 11:50  

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